


Losing Touch

by AgentBuzzkill



Series: Fic Requests [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, hinted blue team ot3 but nothing explicit, mostly just church/epsilon angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 13:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2069178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentBuzzkill/pseuds/AgentBuzzkill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Epsilon finds out quickly that being with Carolina involves a certain amount of downtime while she rests or sleeps. And while he never stops making sure that she is safe (outwardly, at least, he can't protect her from the thoughts that make her wake up screaming some nights.) he also has a considerable amount of time to himself, where he can think about the current state of things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Just a dumb little drabble I came up with on the car ride home from a family vacation. Typed on an iphone, so if any mistakes slipped through my read-through of this please let me know!

Epsilon finds out quickly that being with Carolina involves a certain amount of downtime while she rests or sleeps. And while he never stops making sure that she is safe (outwardly, at least, he can't protect her from the thoughts that make her wake up screaming some nights.) he also has a considerable amount of time to himself, where he can think about the current state of things. 

That state being, of course, that he doesn't have a body. 

Of course there are upsides to being strictly holographic. No need to bathe, no need to deal with the terrible stench that sweating all day in a hot suit of armor would leave behind. He didn't technically have a body, so there were none of the aches and pains associated with that. No cutting himself while shaving, no having to sit up slowly to combat the pain in his back every morning. No more sleeping on a shitty, lumpy mattress. No more food poisoning or flu, no aching joins or broken bones. 

Epsilon supposes that, in the end, he's better off like that. Being Church was a bit of a nuisance, having to keep finding bodies only to have something happen to them (usually thanks to his idiot teammates). 

He goes by Epsilon a lot because he doesn't feel like Church anymore. Church was the one who felt the heat of the eternal sun in Blood Gulch on his skin. Church had to clean his armor every night to rid it of dust and grime. Church binged on milk and cookies on nights when he felt lonely. Church noticed the dark circles under his eyes getting darker every day. He battled headaches from Caboose and innuendo from Tucker. Church was the one to eat and to sleep and to dream. 

Epsilon has started to forget what it felt like to dream. 

He's noticed that he can't quite recall the feeling of the wind in his hair or the grass between his fingers. He's forgotten the coppery tang of blood between his teeth. He doesn't remember the relief of a cool shower at the end of a long, hot day. Sometimes in his chest he can feel the phantom sensation of filling his lungs with air. He finds that he misses the warmth of a hand in his. He can't remember what his favorite food tasted like, or the smell of the potpourri Donut would somehow manage to fill both bases with. 

Epsilon wonders if this means he's losing his humanity. He isn't sure if he ever really had humanity to begin with.

He remembers intimacy, though. He can still hear the noises Tucker would make and the strength of Caboose's arms around him. He remembers falling asleep, sated, in between them and feeling safe for the first time in a long time. He remembers what it felt like to kiss them, to be kissed by them. He remembers digging a finger into the bruises they left behind because it meant he could still feel something, and it was a mark of what they once had.

Epsilon thinks that if he still had a heart it would ache for them, for what he's lost but hopes to find again. He knows they'll be angry, he knows that he hurt them. He knows he deserves that anger. He remembers what it felt like to have them all turn away and leave him and he doesn't think he could survive feeling that again. He wants to think he'll be easily forgiven but he knows life doesn't work that way.

He thinks he would consider finding a new body if Tucker and Caboose forgave him.


End file.
